Movie Review: COCKTAIL - starring Tom Cruise

Have you ever actually seen the movie “Cocktail?” Yeah yeah… Tom Cruise… Yeah yeah… tropical island… Yeah yeah… Beach Boys… But for real, I had never seen this film from start to finish. So I willingly sat down yesterday and watched the 1988 Tom Cruise flick, in it’s entirety. As a wretched heathen of 1980′s filmography, I felt it my devilish duty to absorb this here action. I colorfully recant the television commercials, I own the soundtrack, I have seen VHS copies in the bargain bin many times. I thought I knew what it was about. Here is a quick assumption of what I imagined to transpire in the movie.

 
A young kid’s parents get murdered by gangsters. In order to avenge their death, he gets a job at a bar. At first, he is overwhelmed by the pressure of the position, but after a while, develops an uncanny knack for slingin’ swill. He moves to the Bahamas, while the relaxing rhythm of the Beach Boys “Kokomo” is played as he gets off the plane. Dude buys a bunch of loud shirts and opens his own bar. He hooks up with an intimate islander, to which a romantic love scene is backdropped by “Kokomo” once again. The business is doing well, then a montage is put together (once again to Kokomo) and the movie culminates with a live performance of the Beach Boys. Credit roll. F@#k yeah… good movie!

 
Much like the time I tried to touch that girl’s taint, (sorry Ash!) I was completely off base. The movie is based in freekin’ NYC, and NOT a balmy paradise as I assumed. Cruise is an army brat who tries to break onto Wall Street but instead lands a job as a bartender in the evenings while attending business school. There he is mentored by some wise British dude who teaches him how to slings drinks and juggle bottles of liquor ‘n shit. Super gay. Cruise then proceeds to recite some shitty poetry, briefly relocates to Jamaica and bangs a bunch of chicks. The movie tries to glamorize a subculture that most people wouldn’t shake a crying infant at. ”Cocktail” is to girlie drinks what THE WIZARD (starring Fred Savage) was to Nintendo.


The erection-summoning Elizabeth Shue plays his female love interest. Total sex hair. Man, her life had really taken a plunge since her on-screen romance with Daniel LaRusso in Karate Kid. Meh… she also used to bang Johnny Lawrence, that leg-sweeping, leather-clad loverboy who by all intensive purposes, WAS the quintessential 80′s movies badass. (Seriously… Just One of the Guys, KK, Back to School… what’s up?) But in this film, she’s spreading her sexy spermslit for a shit-tooth Scientologist like Cruise?


If you recall the music video for Kokomo, the highest charting hit ever for the Beach Boys, was totally awesome. It prominently featured Carl Wilson, Mike Love, Al Jardine and Bruce Johnston, as well as puffy-haired percussionist and “Full House” alum John Stamos on bongos. Although I’m still kinda pist they didn’t ask Brian Wilson to be on the track, it’s a smooth freekin’ jam and it’s hook is catchier than the genital warts of an unemployed crack-smoker.


The movie ends with the mentor committing suicide and Shue’s character frantically claiming pregnancy. Rightfully so, Cruise questions if her chubbied chach was his doing. I think if they ever make a sequel to “Cocktail” Tom Cruise should be sodomized with a splintery broom handle.


Bottom line, watch this moving musical picture of ”Kokomo” for it’s WAY better than the actual movie.

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