Pungent Co-worker

I work in an professional office. I make a decent living and generally enjoy and excel at my profession. I share a 16" x 20" room with one other person. The problem is, this individual is undoubtedly the most disgusting troll I have ever come across in my life.

During my initial interview, I sat across the table from my future co-worker and noticed a super sickening smell. This lady was dressed like a cracked out gypsy hobo. Ragged, tattered, unclean attire. Tacky homemade jewelry that looked too cheap for a scarecrow to wear. Brittle hair that resembled a rat's nest. Again, we work in a professional office setting where we meet with customers on a regular basis and occasionally venture outside the workplace on business. Man, I should have known better.

Dude, my co-worker hasn't washed her clothes in over nine years. This is fact. She told me so. Her family doesn't even own a washing machine. (I'm not even going to get into what her dirtbag husband looks like!) They believe that the body's natural oils are exuded for a reason and should not be washed away. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Humans need to cleanse themselves to get rid of dead skin. Dead skin is just that, human tissue that is extinct. And when human tissue dies, it begins to rot. She seriously emits an odor not unlike that of an unfortunate highway roadkill. Like a dead animal. A rotting corpse.

She has cats. Lots of them. I would tell you how many, but even she doesn't know. "More than 13" she says. And I know she isn't lyng, because her little feline friends often used her clothes as a litterbox. I shit you not. The lady smells like cat piss. Enough so to make your eyes burn when within close proximity. And the only thing worse than cat piss is old cat piss. It's nauseous fumes are almost dizzying. On the plus side, in my tenure at this company, I have learned to exclusively mouth breathe and when she is in my general vicinity, I can easily hold my breath for more than 60 seconds witout even flinching. Maybe this is how Houdini got his start?

My situation is embarrassing. When my parents ask me "How is work going?" I would rather not delve into my rotten reality. I have confronted our boss about this nauseating nuisance on several occasions and I get the speech of how she's been with the company for XX amount of years and how he promises to mention something. The entire office steers clear of our work area, for they all are aware of the offensive odor. of the I would say something myself to the lady, but I also failed to mention that she is the meanest witch I have ever met. An evil, hateful, self-centered, paranoid gutter-bitch.

The lady is not poor. I know how much money she makes. She is just a mean, filthy wench who thinks she is better than everyone else.  Her kids sleep on a freekin' pool raft.  This is fact.  I am trapped in a revolting room with this despicable dirtbag.

The NEW Worst Sound EVER!

For years, it has been common knowledge that the worst sound ever is “the girl noise.” You know what I’m talking about. That sonic, unsexy shrill that 2 or more girls make when they get excited over the most trivial of shit. (like when 3 round-hipped heathens are sitting around eating Dove Bars and their friend “Cathy” shows up unexpectedly to announce that she’s pregnant AGAIN, this time by Seth.)

I would rather hear an entire tray full of LJS planks dropped on the floor than THAT freeking sound. Well, I think I personally have a new, far more despised decibel decimator…
I work with many overweight women…literally TONS. Women who are so obese that their ankles are purple from the pure weight that they must support. They are large, they are mean and they are hungry.

I hear this sound everyday…it’s really the kind of thing that unless you’re tuned into it, you really don’t notice, kind of the tambourine player in Eddie Money’s live band. But now that I’ve zoned into this frequency, it tears me up worse than some tone deaf drunk trying to sing along with Heart on the jukebox.

The worst sound in the worst is simply a spoon scraping the bottle of a yogurt cup. UHHH!!! It’s terrible. These fat bitches can’t let it go. Do they really think that one more tiny eyedrop of yogurt is gonna fill them up? Is completion of absolute devourism necessary to move on? Does the fruit & enzyme snack taste that freekin’ good??? WHAT THE PISS!!!!

I hear this no less than 20 times a day. Some cat-hair covered cunt-rag (who was seriously eating pork chops at her desk at 8:38 am this morning) downed 4 Yoplaits by 11:30 today, ALL the while bragging that each cup is only 110 calories. FAAACCKKK!!! I think it’s something to do with the plastic cups that the yogurt comes in, because those Hunts Pudding Snack Packs don’t resonate nearly as bad as yogurt cups.

I plan on mailing a bomb to the Dannon factory later this week. Their Consumer Response Center is in Allentown, so maybe it’ll get there soon so I can have a scrape-free Monday next week…