Dive Bar Review: Erie, PA - part IV - East Side

Mays Tavern

1118 East Lake Road

review one:  If JFK would have lost the 1960 presidential election, then THIS BAR would be just like the movie The Deer Hunter. We, as a country, could have very well avoided our involvement in Vietnam. Over 58,000 American lives could have been spared and conjointly, maybe the Deer Hunter could have spend more time being about Buck Season! Deer Hunters are cool. I hope my next wife has her deer license so she can go kill dinner for me. That would be so romantic. And she’d give me the pelt so I could curl up in front of the fireplace as a read Napoleon Hill. And Mays Tavern is where I will hang out. I don’t wanna give away TOO MUCH about this gem, (i.e. GO THERE!) but lets just say the sign outside is irrefutable.

review two:  Growing up, there was a kid who, according to his family tradition, was to have sex with the first doe he killed. Yup…dude rod into deer box. And he did. For real. He lives in western New York now, but I think he would like Mays Tavern. He just bought some land up there.

Rating: 4/5

Kramers

820 East Avenue

We sat at the bar. There was a dead fly on the mustard bottle in front of us. We joked about it. Sometimes it’s not what you’re laughing about, it’s who you’re laughing with. This place was weak. I find no reason to revisit. As we got off our stools to leave, the fly moved over to a pepper shaker.  True story.

Rating: 1/5

Swanns

Not sure if you noticed, but I’ve been navigating off-topic lately. Most of these bars are what you’d expect. Shitty, boring and uneventful. Crappy budweiser on draft and a bawdy bitch sitting on her plump asspillow playing Megatouch. But still powerfully better than any bar in downtown Erie (sans Club Power Moves!) The night we visited Swann’s, it was my associates turn to drive. So I got drunk. Real drunk. I don’t remember much. I should probably go there again, if I knew where it was. I slept good that night. As if I was watching my kid in a grade school play.

Rating: ?

Lakeview Tavern
1400 East Lake Road

 Yeah, same night. I remember there was a giant stuffed gorilla sitting at a table. And some beastly lady with a bag of her soiled jeans. Probably shit stained. Pig… And I tried to get Whiteman to get us some swiss cheese and some pickled sausage. I don’t remember her name? At least I’m a fun drunk…

Rating: 2/5

Ash Street Pub
562 East 12th Street

 Yeah, dawg! Le’ bartender was some classic rock renegade who’ll talk your freekin’ ear off, man. His drunken drivel made about as much sense as licking a raccoon’s paw. I liked this place. More bartenders should drink. Ron Popeil always tries the shit he’s selling!

Rating: 4/5

Clancys
901 East Avenue

This East Ave. stop was nice. Not like “dude, you should buy this place” but a pleasing predilection of sorts. They had live music (some hoary hero with an acousitc geetar playing Paul Simon ‘n shit) and the joint did NOT smell like the inside of a retards thigh. This is the kind of place where you could make out with a chick and NOT worry about her moustache giving you face abrasion. And chances are she probably has enough money left over to take the bus downtown on Monday morning to get that abortion! Next time you go on a date with some broad, maybe stop here on your way to Rapeland Farms!

Rating: 4/5


Gatherings
2902 Reed Street

Collin Marple was my favorite roommate ever. Nothing against any of the other dudes and chicks who had the severe torture to share quarters with me, but Collin woke up early. We’d have coffee every morning outside on the couch of 319. His girlfriend at the time, who had gravity-defying boobs, would crawl to her car and we’d heckle her as she drove away. He would say the funniest shit and refer to every dirtbag, idiot and fool as “your boy.” He had this omnipotence over all things hip hop but was well versed in punk and metal, moreso than 99% of the people I know. Dude had Grim Reapers’ “See You In Hell” on vinyl! Wanting to hear the title track, and more notably, Steve Grimmett’s 18 second falsetto flair at the end of the track, Collin wisened me to a wider world. He dragged the needle to song 3 on side 1, “Liar.”

Southpaw axeman Nick Bowcott crunches thru a killer riff showcase as Grimmett’s vocals soar overhead like a flesh-obsessed vulture. You’re lucky I don’t remember the names of the rhythm section, or I’d talk about them too! This is one of my favorite songs ever, probably because I was introduced to it in such a chivalrous and fun fashion.

Anyway, Gatherings is NOT a dive bar. My associate lied to me…LIAR!

Rating: 1/5 This place is way too nice

Nunzi’s
2330 East 38th Street

Isn’t a Nunzi one of those things that chicks wear? I dunno. I found $10 on the floor. This place would be a good place for a mother rat to lay her eggs.

Rating: 1/5

Jimmy’s Tavern

726 East 26th Street

I think this is the first bar we simply walked out on. As we approached the sidewalk a sign proudly proclaimed MC DJ was spinning all your favorite crappy modern hits. Now I have seen AC/DC live. Critty was there with me. My neck hasn’t been the same since. (Hence the earlier reference to the Red chiropractor) Have you ever seen a show that was SOOOO loud that you could actually see the soundwaves? For real. It looks kinda blurry. Like visual vibration. You feel really exposed, like a wolf could come up behind you and take the sharpie right out of your back pocket. Well, Jimmy’s was loud as piss, blasting some horrible rap sewage. The place was crowded, but there was no bartender. We waited for about 4 minutes, assaulted by the abhorrent sounds of Kid Rock, before we left. Up yours Jimmy…and the bat that you ate off that tree!

Rating: blah!

Skeeters
723 French Street

If Lloyd Dobler was 21, he should have went here after her broke up with Diane Court. Absolutely NO chicks go here. Looking into the future, the following conversation will take place between me and my supermodel viking wife.

Wife: where are you going? You can’t just bang it out and then leave!
Me: Why not, I finished!
Wife: Not so fast mister, I don’t want you staying out all night, coming home, smelling like perfume!
Me: (with arms outstretched) But babes, I’m going to Skeeters!
Wife: (smiling) Ok, have fun. Don’t forget, tomorrow me and a buttload of my hot friends are gonna be re-enacting the battle scene from Braveheart in the backyard…topless.
Me: Ehh…I might be busy (closes door)

Yeah, no chicks go to Skeeters. It’s cool.

Rating: 3/5

Scooters Lounge
602 East 24th Street

Remember in Back to the Future II when Marty is in the alternate 1985 and the entire town of Hill Valley is a biker haven rats nest? Yeah! We pulled up to Scooters (in a four wheeled vehicle…our first mistake) and were blinded by about 30 bikes and their respective riders. With more leather than Rob Halford’s closet, these dudes looked quite formidable. The inside of the bar was an entirely different story, maybe 10 people total, most of them saggy-tittied biker bitches. This place was rough, but I kinda looked the part, so we were in. When they make a movie of the life and career of Sam Elliott, THIS is the location in the film where he loses his virginity. They sell do-rags too. I almost bought one. I opted for a another beer instead.  Ehhh..it’s like a homo going to a titty bar.

Rating: 2/5


Chuckles
461 East 25th Street

Individuals fail all the time. The teenage girl that dresses like a hussie for 3 days straight, hoping that one boy will take notice and ask her to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance on Friday. The youngling who wants to build a treehouse super bad in his back yard, but lacks lumber…or any sense of architecture…or friends for that matter. The avid record collector who drives 126 miles to a swap meet, following a lead of first pressing John Coltrane vinyl, only to find a bin full of Steve Lawrence records. Sometimes effort goes unnoticed, sometimes direction just isn’t enough. Chuckles Tavern sits in a shitty location and therein lies the problem. Comparative to size as a hollowed out banana, Chuckle’s is no laughing matter. This place is sad, but has tinges of a family bar. Deadbeat dads come here to rekindle friendships with their fucked up families. Drug addict mothers show up to sing Bette Midler Karaoke. Styleless wiggers bring their underage girlfriends here to drink. Chuckles does have a mobile meal cart that my associate and I spotted at Liberty Park during the Edgar Winter show. Offering corn dogs, potato ribbons and many other fried feasts, this encased snack unit, which I dubbed the “Chuck Wagon” will hopefully be making many more appearances at local Erie events. I was pretty gooned up when we stopped here, so I don’t remember too much else. They had a pinball machine that was older and more beat up than Cher’s labia.

Rating: 4/5

Dive Bar Review: Erie, PA - part III - East Side

Michalski's

I find it fascinating when inanimate objects display human attributes. Not like a freekin’ potato chip with the visage of Abe Lincoln, I mean like a classic car that has more humility than the seafood bitch at Giant Eagle in Yorktown Centre. (you know who I’m talking about, she wears that shitty captains hat…she’s far from nautical but is very familiar with seamen…heh) I don’t know where I’m going with this, which is probably why we went to Michalski’s.

This bar has hit rock bottom. It smells like gerbil piss, the walls are thinner than a fruit roll up and the joint is completely filthy. The other patrons, a grizzled jerk named Irish and his filthy friend Fredo, look like they haven’t seen sunlight since Robert Guillaume took Benson to the top of the prime time TV ratings. The bartender accused Irish of heisting a bar rag, which was clearly sticking out of this coat pocket, but the Dublin drunk retaliated with (in a voice that could only be replicated by Popeye’s grandfather) “If I was gonna take something…it would be the whole fuckin’ bar!” Lucky for us, Irish wasn’t feeling greedy that day and left the joint the way he found it, grimy, shit stained and just plain wonderful!

On his way to the bathroom, Fredo started puking in his mouth and dribbled a bit onto the wooden plank floor. The barkeep had a fresh shot waiting on the bar as Fredo returned from the lavatory. The ceiling tiles were painted my Mrs. Eels’ third period Retard Ed. class. Go there and check it out for yourself. No windows, no women, no shit. If I ever get married, this is where my wife will have her bachelorette party.  I dream about bars like this in my sleep

Rating: 5/5



CZARTORYSKI CAFE
302 Parade Street

This place was a nittle too nice, and it was still crappy as hell. People were holding conversations with each other at a decent level. The jukebox actually worked. One chuggernaut down the bar even had a coaster. I noticed they offered swiss cheese for a dollar. This place was fairly busy despite it being nowhere close to happy hour. Some dirt dick named Lenny came up to me and said he had my back then offered us drugs. I don’t like drugs. I don’t like people who do drugs. If you’re that weak of a person that you resort to poisoning yourself for mental self improvement, than I personally think that you should cease to breathe. No one will miss you. There were two bartenders working, (which I think breaks a dive bar rule) neither of them busy. The men’s room featured a quarter inch slick of urine covering the entire floor.  The bar stools were the most uncomfortable damn things ever and ricketier than an Imperial Walker. I’m pretty sure several bastard children were birthed in this very seat. Ahh bastards (sigh)…a slut’s diarrhea…

Rating: 2/5

 JT’S BAR
East 12th Street

Dear Iran,

If you’re going to bomb U.S. soil, I’d like to recommend the following establishment. Located on the corner of 12th Street and some shit road is the worst bar ever. The sign outside clearly states no sports jerseys, baseball hats must be worn forward and pants must be around your waist. Well much like your wife’s face, rules are meant to be broken. The teenage wigger kid bartender chose to defy his employers etiquitte and I must say, looked freekin’ ridiculous while doing so. His gear was about as fresh as the block of swiss cheese sitting out at room temperature on the counter. Bottles of Molsen Canadian were $1.75 but Mr. Gay-Z behind the bar couldn’t find them in the cooler.

The place reeked of Nascar. I HATE Nascar. Posters, schedules, shitty blowup cars hanging from the ceiling and I shit you not, a song on the jukebox called “I Love Nascar.” Unfortunately, this is an accurate slice of Americana and I’d be more than willing to sacrifice these slack-jawed shitheads for ‘the cause.’ The place was very roomy but much like a chick with a big pussy, it doesn’t mean that you like being inside of it.

Rating: 0/5



PETE’S PUB
613 Parade Street

I never knew how delicious pumpkin pie was until Mama Carson served it up on Thanksgiving 1997. For the longest time, I refused to see the Lord of the Rings movies because I didn’t want to put someone else’s visual representation to my favorite books. I didn’t know what the Descendents looked like until the re-release of the Enjoy album on SST Records. On the same token is Parade Street’s best kept secret, Pete’s Pub. Located catty corner from the Gear Cave, Pete’s is a quaint little stop with a handicapped accessible entrance (or as Whiteman observed, so the paramedics can wheel the stretchers down the ramp.) The lady bartender had real crusty eyes but was cordial and efficient. They offer Sloppy Joes anytime (swiss cheese is a dollar extra) and delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon on draft! Splendid!  It’s like the Rocky Balboa of bars.

Like cannonballing into a pool of breastmilk on a hot summer day, Pete’s Pub just makes you feel comfortable. The clientele was sparse and kinda rough looking, but we were on their turf and respect was given. Everyone who comes here cuts their own grass. I like that in a bar. This is the perfect place to take a date, if you date girls who like to get shitfaced at 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon.

Rating: 4/5



 PARADE STREET CAFE

Two cops were waiting outside as we approached…this place was gonna be rough. I hate cops. Two words to describe this place…Party Central. Man, everyone there was having a blast. Great, fun music like Kool & the Gang, Billy Ocean and Earth Wind and Fire. At any given moment, erupting sounds of laughter could be heard from all corners of the bar. Some gimp guy got kicked out, but in the nicest way imaginable. Behind the bar was a rotisserie of plump smoked sausage and swiss cheese for a buck. They also offer off-street parking for bicycles, inside the bar. I don’t like the things you like and you don’t like the things I like.

Rating: 3/5


MARTYS
1003 Parade Street

Marty likes tigers. Tigers are everywhere in this joint. Tigers…and a confederate flag. PBR was again on tap and chilled to perfection. And I hope you brought your appetite (we unfortunately lost ours as soon as we walked in the door) because Marty’s offers a delicious selection of bar nibblin’s including pig hocks, pickled eggs, pickled beets and non-refrigerated swiss cheese. I think Whiteman tried to take his prom date here. Still, it was a shady saloon with reasonable prices and uhh…oh yeah, the bartender. Remember the main bad guy from the movie “Dune?” The one with all the warts on his face? Yeah, his twin sister slings suds at Martys… and she drinks on the job.  The bathroom featured a condom machine from a time long ago. I’m talking pre-cold war. Reputably, Marty’s caters to an “over 30″ clientele, because only people under age 30 use condoms.

Rating: 3/5

JESTERS POUR HOUSE
1101 Parade Street

Man, this shit was closed due to a king drug bust three days prior. FAACK!


COUNTRY TAVERN
8107 Perry Highway

Wow…this place was essentially someone’s garage. One light bulb hung from the middle of the ceiling as faded pictures of ducks adorned the water damaged walls. A rotten 6 point buck hung in the corner. I like shitty bars, but this hole had less character than Nicholas Cage. The place was pretty busy on a Friday evening and drink prices weren’t cheap so they really should DO something to improve this dismal dead end. Maybe an electronic love tester would do the trick…or a moat of gravy around the perimeter of the bar…with pieces of white bread as coasters?

Rating: 0/5

SOLOS CANTINA

923 Hess Avenue

A rumored Star Wars themed bar located on Hess Avenue, this bar was more disappointing than Episode One. The Cantina seemed to host many rogues, bounty hunters and scoundrels from all over Eries Outer Rim territory. The female bartender looked like a freshly shaved Ewok and the jukebox shared functionality with the Hyperdrive Motivator of the Millennium Falcon. The decor included a lighted sign of Darth Vader reaching for an OE 40oz. and a framed picture of that dude from Pimp My Ride (who could possibly be the grandson of Lando) on the wall. There was some crazy dart-throwing denimed dude with a midget arm too. We did find a seedy round table which we all sat around and discussed our plans to blast our way out of there. Much like Jabbas Palace, this bar could be filed under At least now we can say that weve been there.

Beer selection: Hmmm…(as I despairingly scoped out the beer cooler) gimmie a bottle of Busch! I would have given my right arm for a glass of blue milk but… ohh wait…

Jukebox: There was a markered sign on the wall telling patrons to bring in their own Cds. While there, we were treated to the wretched rhythms of Bone, Nelly (the band-aid cheek guy, not that sexy slut who cant sing either) and Will Smith.

Observation: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum & villany.

Overall ranking: 1/5


HERMANS CAFE
2802 Old French Road

A surprisingly spacious saloon, Hermans advertises Pabst Blue Ribbon drafts for 75 cents. This proof threw me for a loop since they did NOT have PBR on tap. The bartender was the older brother of that super annoying waiter from Office Space (the faggy little prick who worked at Chachkis) When he wasnt closing one eye, pointing at you and making little clicking noises, the barhand had severe trouble with simple math. (i.e. $2.25 plus 0.85 is not $1.80.) The clientell were dirtbags & rednecks for the most part, but Hermans did have the hottest chicks (3 of them!) that we have seen so far on the bar tour. Some dude shooting pool had a TAZ tattoo (the lovable cartoon madman, NOT the shitty 80s cover band) on his leg and like any true dive bar, there was the blonde bimbo strutting her stuff with a faded tattoo on her boob (not that I checked her out, but I think it was a baby seal sitting on a piece of ice.) Some local greaseball got dragged outside and bitched up by a couple junkied jocks which amplified the already tumultuous feeling of the joint. This place could be cool, but living in a town with more bars per square mile that anywhere else in America, I can be choosy where I chug.  The beer selection was average, except for the misleading Bait & Switch tactic involving Pabst while the jukebox blated a three-pronged attack of Dio...

Observation: Hey Earnhart, if you need to bring one of those shittyass beer-bottle coozies with you to a bar and use it, then you dont know how to drink…and you look like a total idiot. Go back to your couch and watch Nascar…I reckon der racin n Talladega this weeken

Overall ranking: 2/5



CHIPPERS

4608 Wattsburg Road

You’ve seen the Deer Hunter, right? Yeah, everyone has seen it… and a favorable percentage (myself included) believe it is a good movie. But realistically, it is a very boring, fairly colorless, drawn-out story. There is no dialogue in the first 23 minutes of said film. Parts are very unrealistic. I HATE that one guy’s hair! Well, remember the bar that “the boys” go to after a tough day at the foundry? Well, the original Welch’s Bar was torn down in the 80′s but an eidetic exists in my hometown. Chippers is as blue collar as the asshole of a dog who ate a whole bunch of blueberries. We went here during the height of cold season, as the subsisting servant behind the bar didn’t mind sharing his phlem with every drink he poured. The place offers 62 flavors of wings, which makes about as much sense as a guy who never gets laid to purchase silk sheets. I didn’t like the sports stuff on the wall. But after a tough day of working with molten metal, sometimes a man needs to unwind…

Rating: 2/5


UPTOWN BROWNS

264 East 30th Street

So the other day I was drinking. It was cool. Some chick was telling me about her experience at Uptown Browns. I really didn’t pay attention to what she was saying, but I noticed that if I cracked my neck and peered straight down while my head was at a 19 degree angle, I could totally see down her shirt. Nice! This is a pretty nice place, featuring real wood decor, although I am partial to fauz wood paneling.  Gives my alcohol a basmental quality...

Rating: 3/5

Dive Bar Reviews: Erie, PA - part II

THE SAUCERY

2606 West 26th Street

A scummy dart bar on West 26th Street, the Saucery has long been using the subtitle GOIN’ FAST. The young bartender had bigass titties and a shirt that looked like a rock climbing harness. I wouldn’t mind scaling her bountiful boulders.  This bar would be perfect for an exclusive Tom Waits jukebox.  The drink specials are conveniently posted in a glass cabinet above urinal in the men’s bathroom. People come here to get “sauced,” not to make friends or get in fights.  One of the best dives in town. 

Overall Rating: 4/5

BACARDIE JOES
1158 West 26th Street

Fat Chicks and darts. If you like either of the two, then Bacardie Joe’s should be your new hangout. Billing itself as a “Pub & Grill” I wouldn’t wish their dinner menu upon my worst enemy, and besides,  vegan will find their own demise due to lack of nourishment. The place had a pretty cool layout but attracted scumbag customers from all reaches of midtown Erie. Cherubic chubby chicks infested the joint on this Friday night.  Some weasely lilttle DJ was playing tons of loud country and shitty dance music. Although commanding a “good DJ voice” it was apparent by his threads that he lacked game.  A 22 oz. draft of Molsen Canadian was only $2.25 but my beer kept some weird foam head for the duration of it’s short mug life.  If you ever feel like “Hoggin’ it” swing by Bacardie Joe’s. Look for the incorrectly spelled sign outside!

Overall Rating: 2/5

ELI’S

1002 West 26th Street

Legendary in Erie for having superb chicken wings, Eli’s is a quaint little joint with a Ma & Pa ambiance. Our waitress/bartender “Kel” dressed more like a sorority girl attending a co-ed volleyball match, but was quick on the refill and even quicker on the annoyance scale.  The barstools were exceptionally high which I found offensive due to the fact that RAINBOW was heavily featured on the jukebox.   This place had great ‘staying power.’ We got there around 10pm with full intention to leave after an hour or so but favorable food and reasonable beer prices kept us there past 2am.

Overall Rating: 3/5

Hi & Dry Pub

3077 West Lake Road

If I was a sewer rat, I would live here. The filthy wooden floors would be grea to chew on and sharpen my teeth. The kitchen is in open air so I can fling my turds into the soup of the day. I could make a cozy nest from all the errand hairs of the balding patrons. I’d have pool parties in the toilets as well. Probably eat my own babies too!  Is it good when your beer bottle is dusty?

A quick glance at the jukebox revealed a Dio album. This place is cool.  They had their x-mas tree up the first weekend of September? Probably so the rats can climb to tree then jump on the back of people’s necks when they walk by.

Overall Ranking: 2/5

Rocco’s Tavern

4040 West 12th Street

Erie’s most miserable bar. Every occupant wishes death upon themself. After 20 minutes of being confined in those wooden walls, you would do the same. The tables are now dressed in white sheets, assumably to soak up the bitterness of the clientell.  I knew the bartender.  She is known around town as "The Chicken Crack Whore"

Overall Rating: 1/5

Parsons

West 8th Street

Good luck finding this shithole, since there is no sign outside, just the framework of a rickety old awning. This is the most ghetto bar on Erie's West Side, a hideous hive of gangstas and racists.

Beer selection: Yuengling bottles for $2.00. Drafts of Molsen were $1.75. Crack is a bit more pricy.

Jukebox: Some thugged out white dude leaned over to our table and muttered, “You all best play YOUR songs now, ’cause this place is about to get ghetto real quick”

Ranking: 0/5

Hunters Inn

1204 West 26th Street

I relate Hunters to the writings of H.P. Lovecraft. You may be turned off at first attempt, but a second effort (or visit) may prove illuminating. And where else can you get “Hot Lunch Anytime?”  I’ve always enjoyed drinking at Hunters. It’s a predator bar, a chameleon bar, a hidden nook and party central, all in one. The patrons change like the hours on the clock. I’ve been there at 10 am and during this ‘friendship hour’ you’ll find an array of crusty old men and straw-chewing G-monies. Early in the evening Hunter’s seems to be the meeting place for infidels and hound dogs. Later on it’s a college hotspot.  If you’ve never seen a male lion viciously attacking a gazelle, then swing by Hunters.

Overall Ranking: 3/5

The Cab

5442 West Ridge Road

This place has too much shit hanging on the walls. I’ll tell ya man, Nascar is gay and I’m not a big fan of Coyote Creek chew either. A cherry Pucker sign…what does Dave Turko hang out here….oh, there he is, rubbing that dude’s inner thigh. Duck crossing…ohh that’s choice!! Some seriously nasty girls hang out at this place. Even Dropcho showed dismay toward them!

Some high-energy DJ (imagine Steven Wright as a paraplegic) played a plethora of 80′s rock songs, most were hits you never wanted to hear again.  Our waitress had a bum leg. Free pizza Friday’s from 6-8pm but you only get one slice.

Overall Ranking: 3/5

McKean Tavern

8968 Main St - McKean

A nice, quiet little joint located in a two-bit, piece-of-shit, saggy-tit, pungent-slit, meth-pipe-hit, let’s-get-lit part of town. There’s not a whole lot of action in McKean. I use to go to a chiropractor just down the road. Dude had a red face. Probably wasn’t a drunk, but he had red hair. He was his own secretary. Red heads generally have gross skin. Tight, like a mask, but somewhat stretchy..not a lot of give. Ed Gein comes to mind. Definitely shouldn’t have kids. Ever see a “Red” eat ice cream? It’s sick… utterly lizard like. 

Our Sunday saunter yielded a leisurely drive thru the countryside. One time me and Kelly Surovick were walking behind the apple orchards on McCray Road and she convinced me to pee on an electric fence. I knew it would hurt. It did. She laughed. The next week her boyfriend beat her with a bag of flour.

Overall Rating: 3/5

Valley Inn

10107 Old Route 99 - Mc Kean

If you ain’t never been here, then you ain’t invited. That is the vibe from this craphole. Remember that girl in high school with the caved in skull? Meh… Skeletor! Yeah…she works here. Patrons of the Valley Inn think she is hot. So does Whiteman. The bar smelled like pine needles. My larval observation was YES, I like this bar, but I also really enjoyed the 1974 King Fu blockbuster “Street Fighter”, starring Sonny Chiba. The part where he’s fighting those dudes and it switches to an x-ray of a skull that’s dented in by a boxing glove, THAT is awesome. More movies need cutaways. And for those wondering, my movie has been put on hold indefinitely. I AM 30 now, and have a lot of trees to lumber, but the concept will still subsist until fruition.

If the dudes from Creedence Clearwater Revival ever needed to hide, they should go here. They’d blend in nicely…only if John Fogerty would keep his cocky mouth shut.

Overall Rating: 2/5

Elk Creek Inn

corner of Bear Creek Rd. & Sterrettania

Yeah, this is the place where I ate 77 jumbo shrimp in one sitting back in 1994. I’m over that shit. Now I drink. Although ownership has gone thru many permutations over the years, the place still remains idle. The wheels lack grease, but the ceiling looks like the back of Bootsy Collin’s cape.  The place stinks like cow shit, due to some bovine farm in close proximity. This incorragable keghouse still offers the all-you-can-eat shrimp special on Friday nights. Say I won’t break 80????

Overall Rating: 2/5

Sport Page

1527 West 26th Street

I hate sports. A maritial axiom, 44% of divorces are because husbands watch too much damn sports on TV. Fucking idiots. Just leave your wife at my place and go gay. Wait..is she young…and soft? Nothing good has ever come out of professional sports…except maybe a nice Nerf ball for a good dog to play with.

The Greeks were the pioneers of athletic competition. And they spearheaded homosexuality too. Yup…the first locker room was a liar of love for sweaty dudes.

“Ohhh Adrastus…you throw that discus super far, may I rub thy wang on your cheekith?”

But the Sports page is cool. Old dudes in tweed. Cougars who will bone for a Coors Light. Read the sign. You’ll know why.

Overall Rating: 4/5

Chuck & Ginny’s

429 Raspberry Street

You may ask yourself, isn’t Chuck & Ginny’s a restaurant? Indeed, my rosie-palmed retard, but it also has a separate bar room with a dirty door, so that makes it fair game. And it sucks. Some beastly bertha was blabbing about the tooth fairy and trying to include us in the conversation. We were having none of it. If I wanted to hang out with greasy, overweight, annoying, disease-ridden skanks, I would call Michelle Yuhas. But I am not a fan of callow cuntnuggets with crusty clits, so we exited the premises hastily. We went here one day after that dude knifed that baby sitting in a child seat, but unfortunately, we couldn’t find the blood trail. I would have bought him a drink.  If you want to rob this place, let me know. I know where the safe is.

Overall Rating: 1/5

Spencers

1062 West 12th Street

Located in the old Goofies building, this place was supposed to be a titty bar. It was completely remodeled but a 60 year old city ordinance put a stop to the stripping the day it was to open. So a new owner and a name change later, here we are at Spencers. Very dim inside with whorish lighting. Patrons were scant, yet we were greeted by four bartenders, each of a varying ethnic background. Hmmm… something for everyone I guess. There were private booths where lap dances could occur…if this place was a strip joint. A mirrored room with a lion’s head waterfall? And a curtained backroom? C’mon dude, I wasn’t born yesterday. If I was, I’d probably be sucking on a boob right now…Phhttt….lucky babies. There’s some mad shady shit going on up in this piece. Someone is probably gonna get shot here by the end of summer. If Ice-T ever visited Erie, he would probably stop in this place to wash his junk after nutting in some chick. Damn!

Overall Rating: 2/5

 

Last Stop Café

1063 West 18th Street

This was the final frontier of west side bars. Every person I ever talked to vehemetly exclaimed NEVER to go here, so obviously,  my associate and I jumped at the chance to check it out. How bad could it be? Ehhh.. .we both have health insurance.

Luckily, my boy Ian from Backwards Cap Productions was in the house shooting pool and after a well-executing street smart handshake, I earned instant street cred with the crew he was with. We were finally here, we made it and we lived to tell the tale. I felt like we climbed to the peak of Mount Kulhanek. We had ventured were few men have gone before, many have lost their lives, a proverbial trail of blood and booze seemed to seep thru the walls. My associate and I are the Lewis & Clark of drinking. We explore unknown territory in an effort to expand our alcoholic arsenal. We make friends along the way and return home with tales of the town.  Somewhere there’s a girl who got fucked on a pool table in this bar 

Overall Rating: 3/5

R Bar

26th & Peach Street

This dive is like walking the tightrope, corded three feet above a tank filled with pissed off crocodiles, starved sewer rats and broken glass from the trailer park. One false move and your multi-fanged fodder. This place puts the A-N-G-E-R in D-A-N-G-E-R!

This place simply rocks. Regular patrons can often be seen sleeping in the doorway waiting for the gates to open in the morning. There’s a tube of caulk behind the bar (in case something needs fixing) and I’m pretty sure the walls are made of old cardboard boxes. While we were there, some less-than-chilled chick was willingly railed in the restroom by four dudes. The place looked like a murder scene afterwards. There was almost a race war due to a misunderstanding and the back room is enter at your own risk. The monthly meetings of the B.P.S. (Breast Preservation Society) will be held at the R Bar from now on. I would totally date a girl who works here. My Associate tried for a while to get some dude laid, who’s one personality wanted to fight him. If you like to do things for the story, as I do, then this place is the mecca.

Overall Rating: 5/5

Dive Bar Reviews: Erie, PA - part I

WEST RIDGE SALOON
3460 West 26th Street

A fairly clean-yet-downwind dive, the West Ridge Saloon is a cool place to go before you go out. With average beer prices and a shot list longer than the line outside of a trailer slut’s bedroom, this basement bar had a tolerable new rock atmosphere The owner/bartender was indiscreetly the drunkest person in the bar, but the overall mood was pretty light. Our patronage will definitely be repeated at the ‘Ridge.  The sexy lady posters in dudes restroom made urinating a pleasure!  The bartender gave me the wrong change once and gave my change to someone else another time, but the Sirius Radio pumped out Ministrys NWO while we were there, so all is forgiven.

OVERALL RANKING: 3/5

CAPTAIN RON’S QUARTERS

401 West 18th Street

What kind of seamen’s shack locks its doors at 11:00 pm on a Friday night?   Probably a good idea, since it's located in a neighborhood colorfully referred to as "The Rat's Nest."  The bar wench looked to be some large-legged land lover.  I sat adjacent to a middle-aged blonde ogre-of-a-lady with all white contact lenses. I think she may have had a tatoo on the side of her skull too. And her left fist was perpetually clenched. I will drop anchor here at a later date.

OVERALL RANKING: 3/5

CHESTNUT STREET PUB (a.k.a THE NUT)

362 West 31st Street

So a guy walks into a bar…it was me. That was probably the highlight of our trip to The Nut. Dirty floors, ultra-loud dirtbag clientele, weak beer selection and just an atmosphere that makes you not want to be there! The bar stools were ricketier than the legs of a cripple and the bar had a faint smell of ball sweat. With the right holocaust, this bar could have potential, but an ugly chick with DD implants is still rotten in the face.  Remember when you were a kid and youd be dragged to your dads company picnic…yeah, its worse than that. Comparable to a bee sting to the crotch.

OVERALL RANKING: 1/5

BOBBY’S PLACE
1202 West 18th Street

After Clint Eastwood escaped from Alcatraz and swam across the San Francisco Bay, he probably went to Bobbys Place. This is the most under the radar bar ever. I think it was also a stop on the Underground Railroad. If you really dont want to be found, Bobbys is the Place. Home of the $1 draft, this louchey lounge is the perfect spot to take that sure thing that is too ugly to bring around your friends. Dave the bartender slings drinks fast and courteous as the other patrons are, well…non-existent. The jukebox was weak but fun; highlighted with early Ska compilation and the Escape Club, which blatantly indicated the sexual preference of said suds slinger.

OVERALL RANKING 5/5

SOPHIAS TAVERN
514 Cherry Street

I've driven by this place a bunch of times so I thought we should check it out. Outside the entrance, assorted drug dealers peddled their products and conversed in slang. When we walked in, the record came to a screeching halt. Everyone in the place stopped and looked at the five honkys that entered their turf. While ordering drinks at the bar, a regular informed me that the Peach Street Pub was having mad drink specials that night and that we should check it out…soon. The back wall showcased a lengthy BARRED sign, naming many members who are no longer welcome at the establishment, including Ladybug, Shalom, Lil’ Juice and Junior (for life!). After choosing a drink from worst beer selection in America, we retreated to the back room where my associate became fast friends with a hairdresser named Cheri. After repeated claims of how much she loved white people, the sexy stylecat suggested we relocate to another establishment, because "we would probably like it there."   Sophias does NOT carry any of the following brews: Pabst, Yuengling, Labatts, MGD or Miller High Life while the jukebox dropped a generous selection of rap, R &B and hip hop.  Oh yeah, and there were random doorbells on the walls in the back room?

Overall ranking: 1/5

LEFTY’S TAVERN
1248 Brown Avenue

This place was a pleasant surprise, nothing flashy or fancy, just a comfortable watering hole. . The walls were ornamented with various hockey memorabilia, but my associate and I chose to gaze upon the vixenous female sud-slinger behind the bar. The joint was pretty dark due to the total negligence of windows, which could be appealing to your average sneaky pete. One could complained about the lack of a pool table, but I personally go to a bar to drink, not to better myself as a bar jock. If I wanted to play games, Id find myself another crazy girlfriend.  I had nothing really negative to say about this pub. The cool thing about this place was that wherever you turned, there was always something to your left, hence the name Leftys I guess?

Overall ranking: 4/5

THE MARINA PUB
732 West Fourth Street

I am convinced when the bartender was younger, her and a few girls from her neighborhood were picking flowers in a horse pasture and one older girl persuaded her to piss on an electric fence and the voltage crawled up into her urethra and jolted her to age prematurely. Her snatch probably looks like a corn beef sandwich that doubles as a punching bag for Butterbean. Knowing her own tragedy, she is the admiral of the bitch boat at the Marina Pub. The lavatory looked like the room from the movie SAW and you could tell that every preppy fratboy there had a pocketful of roofies. The only thing that saved this place was the small enclosed patio behind the bar. Drinking outside is one of the finer things in life. There was nothing nautical about this nook.

Overall ranking: 1/5

NORBS BAR
25th & Peach Street

Have you ever dined at Kenny Rogers Roasters and been greeted by the country crooner himself? Or been thrusting forth a generous portion of Texas Pete Hot Sauce onto your meal only to be corralled by his Lone Star lasso? A personal approach to business is what makes Norb’s a cool ass place. While boozing it up, placid whispers of “that’s the guy on the sign!” beheld the jubilant Norb himself, sipping suds at the end of the bar, flanked by blue-haired ladies. The jukebox was very highly ranked, from Jackyl to AC/DC to Black Sabbath to Frank Sinatra. It would be relatively difficult to play a song that was not appreciated.  Norb himself informed us of his own signature drink recipe:

Take one 12 oz. can of Gennesee

Pour it into a glass

Add a dash of pepper

“Its the best drink around” he stated with honest conviction.  The only people who dont like Norbs are the ones who have never been there

Overall Ranking: 4/5

THE LAST SHOT
3064 West 12th Street

The Last Shot has cleaned up greatly since the days of GRIPPES, as the clientell seemed in bulk to be middle aged biker dudes and their respective back-of-the-bike bitches. Not the kind of biker whos some clean cut executive-type with whitewalls and a vast collection of polo shirts and a wristwatch that cost $4 grand, I mean the kind of biker with bbq sauce in his beard whose left bicep looks like a bathroom wall from all the homemade tattoos of bitches he loved over the years and who still talks about a pair of titties that flashed him at a Starvin Marvin in 1986 on his way to Bike Week.

Although I have absolutely no respect for cover bands, its nice to walk into a dive and NOT hear that gayass “I love this bar” song being played 20 times a night.  I think this place has a crooked floor.

Overall rating: 3/5

THE RINGSIDE
3202 Sterrettania Road

I like theme bars. The more meticulous the better. The Ringside did a stellar job of bringing their boxing motif to fruition . Numerous posters of Roberto Duran, Marvin Hagler and Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini (the pride of Youngstown!) garbed the interior. The place was mainly an italian restaurant with a relatively small bar in the corner of the room. Brainstorming possible menu items, we formulated such authentic dishes as Ten-Count Cheesesticks, Southpaw Spaghetti, Left Hook Linguini and Rabbit Punch Ravioli (none of which were featured on the real menu)

The jukebox?  Raging Bullshit. Some malnourished wigger kid with cokebottle glasses and an atrociously bad teenage mustache was dropping indescribably bad beats by todays hip-hop heroes. A disabled jukebox was located on the near wall, but I was nair to recognize a single group on the roster.  Remember that shitty boxing movie from the early 90s called Gladiators? I believe Cuba Gooding Jr. was the star. If memory serves, the film was horrible, but not as shitty as the soundtrack, which featured Warrant covering “We Will Rock You!” The music video had Jani Lane trying to dance like Ali and jab at the camera. Id still like to jab a fork in his eye.   I wrongfully assumed that they would have some boxer-esque shot like Yagermeister and Gatorade (which would obviously be named “See ya Yager alliGator”)

Observation: A split decision….I think Ill schedule a rematch.

Overall rating: 3/5

THE STARLITE HOTEL
901 West 4th Street

Yes, this is the place located in the basement of a crack hotel. This is the same bar that Barf killed a rat running across the floor with one jab of his pool stick. This is also the drinkery that offers delicious sausage-and-pancake-on-a-stick for a mere $2.00. Yup, also the locale where someone took a shit on the back of the toilet tank because the bartender (who was affectionately referred to as Skeletor) didnt know how to make a Long Island Ice Tea. The Starlite Hotel is an Erie dive bar of primary importance. Dirtbags, hookers, crackmoms and thugs all conglomerate at this rotten establishment. Our most recent trip was pretty uneventful, sans my discovery that management got rid of CrAzY bOwL, the best video bowling game ever. Still, the Starlite has its advantages. Friday nights from 6-8 pm is free pool, any other time you must pay the full price of 25 cents a game. The mixed drinks are stronger than Dolph Lungren and youre bound to make friends with at least one of the derelict locals.  Some thug DJ with huge speakaz (not a PA, I mean home stereo speakaz) was making shitty rap songs, drop, hit and boom. Apparently the old owner fell down the stairs near the bar entrance and laid there for two days before giving in to death. True story!

Overall rating: 4/5 (don’t ask me why…)

THE BEER MUG
1108 Liberty Street

If you were a bong-ripping hippie, go to the Docksider. If you like shitty cover bands or shitty wannabe metal bands, then hit up Sherlocks. Since the closing of Forward Hall, the Beer Mug is THE place for good local shows. The Beer Mug serves mugs of beer, among other bottled favorites. What do you want? I want a Pabst Blue Ribbon! Whatll you have? Ill have a PBR! Oh man, I'd run a million laps for a bottle of Pabst!  One time at the Beer Mug some chick dragged me into the dudes restroom and made me hold the door closed while she peed in front of me. If that pink-pantied prom queen reads this, you had a nice stream baby!!! Ooooh!

Overall Rating: 4/5

WAGNERS

1002 West 8th Street

Another hole in the wall bar located on the lower west side. The wings here are pretty good, the atmosphere is dark and if youre lucky, you may here some ignorant NASCAR fan make a racial slur. This bar is about as fun as an insurance seminar.  We showed up just in time for the lunch lady DJ (who I dubbed Salisbury Stacy) to spin Cds that she borrowed from her 16 year old daughter, a proud owner of a Starter jacket. If music is the universal language, then this tongue was a twisted confection of ebonics and southern drawl.

For some reason the beer served at Wagners has a tendency to spill more easily than at other bars. I think they have some hot-rod tap system, but a filthy rag is always nearby to clean up the mess.  I lived one block away from this place for 3 years and only went there twice…take that for what its worth.

Overall rating: 2/5

DEMSEYS PLACE

We pulled up in front of the building. It seemed to be hastily evacuated sometime around Reagan’s first term.

Me: Dude, I think they’re closed...there’s no lights on
My associate: No, that’s just how they roll, man
Me: I think I just saw someone inside
My associate: I think I just heard a gunshot


AJ’s BAYVIEW

331 Cascade Street

This place was “the Bar of the Living Dead.” Unthreatening grunts and monotone moans could be heard throughout this drop-ceiling’ed establishment. There was an odd mixture of fluff chicks, cowboys and assorted dirtfucks in the bar. I contemplated throwing out my shoes after walking into AJ’s…it felt that dirty. But alas, this is my mission.  Thumbs up on the song selections. but it was very apparent that the customers refuse to accept musical progression after 1979. There is life after the first Boston album. It’s called Dragonforce.

Bottles of Pabst were $2, I got a free shot after Whitman whoo’ed the ghetto brat bartender but the best drink deal was also the most discussed. Two loose-toothed ladies got in a hair pulling match right behind us. The bartender “Sandy” let out a piercing shrill that forced the rumble outside to the street, with the majority of the night’s patrons in tow. After a less-than-sexy sparring session the feuding females came back in the bar and were each subsequently awarded with a free 40 oz. malt liquor to go. From there, the majority of the bar argued over the punching prizefighters and the true victor.   If the boys at the Bayview held a fart competition, the winner could have his pick of any chick in the bar. A wise man would disqualify himself.

Overall Ranking: 3/5

THE GASLIGHT

2306 State Street

This mild yet forgettable hangout was a refreshing change on the bar tour. There was alot of stuff inside that was breakable and I didn’t see one single person wearing a tanktop. It seems that every bar we go to has the same damn music vendor so unless I mention otherwise, most holes-in-the-wall have a steady selection of classic rock, power rock and basic metal.  My first bottle of Yuengling was flatter than Winnie Cooper from “The Wonder Years” but the bartender was very pretty so I bit my lip. She didn’t bite me back.  The Gaslight had an impressive selection of kippered jerky snacks. It was a little nicer than the other dives we have been to…a decent place to take a ditsy date.

Overall Ranking: 2/5

LUIGI’S
727 West 18th Street

Jimmy had an older sister growing up. She was 3 years his senior and all the guys in the neighborhood wanted to fuck her. They would come over to Jimmy’s house after school and eat all his food and ransack his bedroom. Not a day went by when he wasn’t roughed up by his sisters friends as he walked the school halls and corridors. Jimmy couldn’t take the abuse any longer and dropped out in in 1952 and joined the Army. He was swiftly shipped off to Korea, hoping to gain some respect back home as a war hero. On his first mission, Jimmy got a bullet in his lower back, which is why he still walks with a limp. For the next 53 years, Jimmy led a life of bitchery. He took a lot of joshing from those around him. On his 69th birthday, he spend his life’s savings by purchasing a bar on 18th & Liberty. Still, Jimmy gets shat on by every being that walks into that place.

At 9 p.m. this place was rowdier than a sports bar in Philly the night Rocky Balboa defeated Apollo Creed for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. And Pabst drafts for a buck…hell yeah! Ol’ Jimmy slings them suds like a turtle crossing an 8 lane highway, but that Milwaukee brewed beer is worth the wait. Most of the regular patrons have figured out that if you scream at the top of your lungs super freekin’ loud and bang your fists on the bar, Jimmy will eventually give you a refill. One guy was reminiscent of a caged gorilla in dire need of a tranquilizer. Good thing his prostitute girlfriend kept him in check or this thirsty tank-of-a-man would have went “Kong” on the joint.

In a rather ballsy move, Jimmy recently posed a sign saying “NEW BAR POLICY: TIPS ARE NOW ALLOWED” but seemed disoriented when an errant dollar lay on the bar. Six packs of Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager are only $3.50, but it’s not the kind of place that you’d want to take a chick…unless you need to borrow Jimmy’s car.

Overall Ranking: 4/5 (keep rocking Jimmy!)

RENOS PLACE
18th & Walnut Street

One of the filthier bars we have been to, Reno’s Place is a haven of deception, dust and dirtbags. I assume that if you smoke crack, you already know where this place.  The jukebox blasted assorted rap, hip hop, and all other types of gangsta jives. I wasn’t familiar with any of the thug beats transcending thru the speakaz.

In regards to beverages, I was instructed to ignore the signs on the walls. The beer they advertise is not the beer they carry. When I ordered a Yuengling, the bartender stated, “Aww,,,no…the best we get is Labatt’s.”  As I sat down in a booth and was instantly entangled in a thickery of spider webs. Apparently this place doesn’t get a lot of traffic.

Overall Ranking: 1/5