Movie Review: The Last Run - starring Fred Savage

So I rented this movie with Fred Savage called The Last Run. I’ve been a fan of that curly haired little guy since I was in the sixth grade. From his groundbreaking work on The Wonder Years to his box office domination in movies like Little Monsters,The Wizard and Vice Versa, Savage is the uncrowned king of late 80’s coming-of-age teen drama. He carried an “everyman” quality that is extinct in all television programs of today. When he and Paul stole that sex manual from the bookstore, I shared in their thrill. When he borrowed his dad’s car to go see the Rolling Stones at Joe’s Bar, I too, was ready to rock. And when Becky Slater unleashed that supercilious suckerpunch, I felt that shit too, bro! I could spend a lifetime enumerating how his characters have influenced my life, but my loaf of bread will be done shortly, so brevity will prevail.

Fred Savage will ALWAYS be Kevin Arnold. This is universally accepted law, at least in my world. His oeuvre will never surpass that monumental peak. He may be revealed as the bartender of the Jim Jones grape drink, steal a million dollars from the Special Olympics and finger-fuck Tipper Gore’s daughter, but he will always be that little boy in the NY Jets jacket from the suburbs. Perhaps my scotoma is skewed, but call me when you’re 30 and then we’ll talk.

So the movie is lame. Savage is an accountant and gets head on his birthday. Remember when his brother Wayne dated Juliette Lewis? Yeah! Something about that chick. She’s really not even that pretty, but hot as freekin’ hell. Trashy… I like trashy women. The kind of chick that puts her finger in her butt and raises one eyebrow as she glares at you from across your Cloud City bedroom, while smoking. Ahh…Balls Deep in Bespin Bitches! Anyway, your boy does stuff in the movie and in the end, other stuff happens. He develops a mysogynistic mindset and drinks a lot. I will spare you from the morose minutia, cause I’ve come to the conclusion that people never listen to me anyway. The only good thing about the flick are the cameos, which again, are like a high school reunion of sorts:

Robert Romanus – Kevin’s boss, the head of the accounting department, was played by none other than Robert Romanus, who you might remember as the coolest dude ever in cinematic history. That’s right, DAMONE returns. Now this flick was released 20+ years after Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but he still looks great! Cool, smooth and surprisingly fashionable. By way of the big screen, the Damone character taught me everything I know about women. (1.) Play it cool (2.) Keep your socks on (3.) What’s a condom? (4) There’s no such thing as coming too soon. He exuded awesome. And listened to great music. Thanks for stopping by, Mike! You PRICK!

Estaban Powell – You might remember this little guy from the last day of 8th grade. Yeah, Carl was a little shit back then, but Dazed & Confused was set in 1976. Plus, if your mom ever pulled a shotgun on O’Bannon, you’d fly under the radar for a while too! In this movie, he was hanging out in a diner or something…looking rather frazzled… probably drank one too many trunk beers. Wonder how the baseball team did last season? Carl was cool ’cause he made out with that one chick at the school dance. He kinda reminds me of myself at that age. Andrea, if your reading this….uhh….what’s up?

Much like the oversized breasts on a mediocre dame, the best part of the movie is also the worst. I’m just gonna come right out and say it… they show Kevin Arnold sucking on a boob.

I shit you not. He totally mouths this chick’s titty like he knows what’s up. He’s not acting. Dude is a natural nipple nibbler. I suppose justification is in order. After years of being teased and finally weaned off the sultry-but-slender teat of Gwendolyn Cooper, ol’ Kevbo is finally ready to get his mitts on dos rack. There are a few sex scenes, which were overly graphic for my liking. I really don’t wanna see Kevin Arnold go dick deep in some vag. It would be like swinging thru the drive-thru for a double bacon Whopper on your way to Louie Anderson’s funeral. Plus, you’ll probably be late for said burial, cause the green Nissan Sentra ahead of you is ordering way too much shit. For real, Savage bangs some pretty precocious princesses. It was NOT easy to watch! I haven’t been this thrown off since the time I tried to mount that mare.

This movie was horrible, but it was nice to see what F. Savage was up to. It was somber to see him relegated to crap cinema, but ever since his dad quit Norcom to start his own furniture store, money has been tight around the Arnold household.

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