Dive Bar Reviews: Erie, PA - part II

THE SAUCERY
2606 West 26th Street

A scummy dart bar on West 26th Street, the Saucery has long been using the subtitle GOIN’ FAST. The young bartender had bigass titties and a shirt that looked like a rock climbing harness. I wouldn’t mind scaling her bountiful boulders.  This bar would be perfect for an exclusive Tom Waits jukebox.  The drink specials are conveniently posted in a glass cabinet above urinal in the men’s bathroom. People come here to get “sauced,” not to make friends or get in fights.  One of the best dives in town. 

Overall Rating: 4/5


BACARDIE JOES
1158 West 26th Street

Fat Chicks and darts. If you like either of the two, then Bacardie Joe’s should be your new hangout. Billing itself as a “Pub & Grill” I wouldn’t wish their dinner menu upon my worst enemy, and besides,  vegan will find their own demise due to lack of nourishment. The place had a pretty cool layout but attracted scumbag customers from all reaches of midtown Erie. Cherubic chubby chicks infested the joint on this Friday night.  Some weasely lilttle DJ was playing tons of loud country and shitty dance music. Although commanding a “good DJ voice” it was apparent by his threads that he lacked game.  A 22 oz. draft of Molsen Canadian was only $2.25 but my beer kept some weird foam head for the duration of it’s short mug life.  If you ever feel like “Hoggin’ it” swing by Bacardie Joe’s. Look for the incorrectly spelled sign outside!

Overall Rating: 2/5



ELI’S
1002 West 26th Street

Legendary in Erie for having superb chicken wings, Eli’s is a quaint little joint with a Ma & Pa ambiance. Our waitress/bartender “Kel” dressed more like a sorority girl attending a co-ed volleyball match, but was quick on the refill and even quicker on the annoyance scale.  The barstools were exceptionally high which I found offensive due to the fact that RAINBOW was heavily featured on the jukebox.   This place had great ‘staying power.’ We got there around 10pm with full intention to leave after an hour or so but favorable food and reasonable beer prices kept us there past 2am.

Overall Rating: 3/5


Hi & Dry Pub
3077 West Lake Road

If I was a sewer rat, I would live here. The filthy wooden floors would be grea to chew on and sharpen my teeth. The kitchen is in open air so I can fling my turds into the soup of the day. I could make a cozy nest from all the errand hairs of the balding patrons. I’d have pool parties in the toilets as well. Probably eat my own babies too!  Is it good when your beer bottle is dusty?
A quick glance at the jukebox revealed a Dio album. This place is cool.  They had their x-mas tree up the first weekend of September? Probably so the rats can climb to tree then jump on the back of people’s necks when they walk by.

Overall Ranking: 2/5


Rocco’s Tavern
4040 West 12th Street
Erie’s most miserable bar. Every occupant wishes death upon themself. After 20 minutes of being confined in those wooden walls, you would do the same. The tables are now dressed in white sheets, assumably to soak up the bitterness of the clientell.  I knew the bartender.  She is known around town as "The Chicken Crack Whore"

Overall Rating: 1/5



Parsons
West 8th Street
Good luck finding this shithole, since there is no sign outside, just the framework of a rickety old awning. This is the most ghetto bar on Erie's West Side, a hideous hive of gangstas and racists.

Beer selection: Yuengling bottles for $2.00. Drafts of Molsen were $1.75. Crack is a bit more pricy.

Jukebox: Some thugged out white dude leaned over to our table and muttered, “You all best play YOUR songs now, ’cause this place is about to get ghetto real quick”
Ranking: 0/5



Hunters Inn
1204 West 26th Street
I relate Hunters to the writings of H.P. Lovecraft. You may be turned off at first attempt, but a second effort (or visit) may prove illuminating. And where else can you get “Hot Lunch Anytime?”  I’ve always enjoyed drinking at Hunters. It’s a predator bar, a chameleon bar, a hidden nook and party central, all in one. The patrons change like the hours on the clock. I’ve been there at 10 am and during this ‘friendship hour’ you’ll find an array of crusty old men and straw-chewing G-monies. Early in the evening Hunter’s seems to be the meeting place for infidels and hound dogs. Later on it’s a college hotspot.  If you’ve never seen a male lion viciously attacking a gazelle, then swing by Hunters.

Overall Ranking: 3/5



The Cab
5442 West Ridge Road
This place has too much shit hanging on the walls. I’ll tell ya man, Nascar is gay and I’m not a big fan of Coyote Creek chew either. A cherry Pucker sign…what does Dave Turko hang out here….oh, there he is, rubbing that dude’s inner thigh. Duck crossing…ohh that’s choice!! Some seriously nasty girls hang out at this place. Even Dropcho showed dismay toward them!
Some high-energy DJ (imagine Steven Wright as a paraplegic) played a plethora of 80′s rock songs, most were hits you never wanted to hear again.  Our waitress had a bum leg. Free pizza Friday’s from 6-8pm but you only get one slice.

Overall Ranking: 3/5

McKean Tavern
8968 Main St - McKean
A nice, quiet little joint located in a two-bit, piece-of-shit, saggy-tit, pungent-slit, meth-pipe-hit, let’s-get-lit part of town. There’s not a whole lot of action in McKean. I use to go to a chiropractor just down the road. Dude had a red face. Probably wasn’t a drunk, but he had red hair. He was his own secretary. Red heads generally have gross skin. Tight, like a mask, but somewhat stretchy..not a lot of give. Ed Gein comes to mind. Definitely shouldn’t have kids. Ever see a “Red” eat ice cream? It’s sick… utterly lizard like. 

Our Sunday saunter yielded a leisurely drive thru the countryside. One time me and Kelly Surovick were walking behind the apple orchards on McCray Road and she convinced me to pee on an electric fence. I knew it would hurt. It did. She laughed. The next week her boyfriend beat her with a bag of flour.
Overall Rating: 3/5


Valley Inn
10107 Old Route 99 - Mc Kean

If you ain’t never been here, then you ain’t invited. That is the vibe from this craphole. Remember that girl in high school with the caved in skull? Meh… Skeletor! Yeah…she works here. Patrons of the Valley Inn think she is hot. So does Whiteman. The bar smelled like pine needles. My larval observation was YES, I like this bar, but I also really enjoyed the 1974 King Fu blockbuster “Street Fighter”, starring Sonny Chiba. The part where he’s fighting those dudes and it switches to an x-ray of a skull that’s dented in by a boxing glove, THAT is awesome. More movies need cutaways. And for those wondering, my movie has been put on hold indefinitely. I AM 30 now, and have a lot of trees to lumber, but the concept will still subsist until fruition.

If the dudes from Creedence Clearwater Revival ever needed to hide, they should go here. They’d blend in nicely…only if John Fogerty would keep his cocky mouth shut.

Overall Rating: 2/5


Elk Creek Inn
corner of Bear Creek Rd. & Sterrettania
Yeah, this is the place where I ate 77 jumbo shrimp in one sitting back in 1994. I’m over that shit. Now I drink. Although ownership has gone thru many permutations over the years, the place still remains idle. The wheels lack grease, but the ceiling looks like the back of Bootsy Collin’s cape.  The place stinks like cow shit, due to some bovine farm in close proximity. This incorragable keghouse still offers the all-you-can-eat shrimp special on Friday nights. Say I won’t break 80????

Overall Rating: 2/5

Sport Page
1527 West 26th Street
I hate sports. A maritial axiom, 44% of divorces are because husbands watch too much damn sports on TV. Fucking idiots. Just leave your wife at my place and go gay. Wait..is she young…and soft? Nothing good has ever come out of professional sports…except maybe a nice Nerf ball for a good dog to play with.

The Greeks were the pioneers of athletic competition. And they spearheaded homosexuality too. Yup…the first locker room was a liar of love for sweaty dudes.
“Ohhh Adrastus…you throw that discus super far, may I rub thy wang on your cheekith?”

But the Sports page is cool. Old dudes in tweed. Cougars who will bone for a Coors Light. Read the sign. You’ll know why.

Overall Rating: 4/5


Chuck & Ginny’s
429 Raspberry Street

You may ask yourself, isn’t Chuck & Ginny’s a restaurant? Indeed, my rosie-palmed retard, but it also has a separate bar room with a dirty door, so that makes it fair game. And it sucks. Some beastly bertha was blabbing about the tooth fairy and trying to include us in the conversation. We were having none of it. If I wanted to hang out with greasy, overweight, annoying, disease-ridden skanks, I would call Michelle Yuhas. But I am not a fan of callow cuntnuggets with crusty clits, so we exited the premises hastily. We went here one day after that dude knifed that baby sitting in a child seat, but unfortunately, we couldn’t find the blood trail. I would have bought him a drink.  If you want to rob this place, let me know. I know where the safe is.

Overall Rating: 1/5

Spencers
1062 West 12th Street
Located in the old Goofies building, this place was supposed to be a titty bar. It was completely remodeled but a 60 year old city ordinance put a stop to the stripping the day it was to open. So a new owner and a name change later, here we are at Spencers. Very dim inside with whorish lighting. Patrons were scant, yet we were greeted by four bartenders, each of a varying ethnic background. Hmmm… something for everyone I guess. There were private booths where lap dances could occur…if this place was a strip joint. A mirrored room with a lion’s head waterfall? And a curtained backroom? C’mon dude, I wasn’t born yesterday. If I was, I’d probably be sucking on a boob right now…Phhttt….lucky babies. There’s some mad shady shit going on up in this piece. Someone is probably gonna get shot here by the end of summer. If Ice-T ever visited Erie, he would probably stop in this place to wash his junk after nutting in some chick. Damn!

Overall Rating: 2/5

 
Last Stop Café
1063 West 18th Street
This was the final frontier of west side bars. Every person I ever talked to vehemetly exclaimed NEVER to go here, so obviously,  my associate and I jumped at the chance to check it out. How bad could it be? Ehhh.. .we both have health insurance.

Luckily, my boy Ian from Backwards Cap Productions was in the house shooting pool and after a well-executing street smart handshake, I earned instant street cred with the crew he was with. We were finally here, we made it and we lived to tell the tale. I felt like we climbed to the peak of Mount Kulhanek. We had ventured were few men have gone before, many have lost their lives, a proverbial trail of blood and booze seemed to seep thru the walls. My associate and I are the Lewis & Clark of drinking. We explore unknown territory in an effort to expand our alcoholic arsenal. We make friends along the way and return home with tales of the town.  Somewhere there’s a girl who got fucked on a pool table in this bar 

Overall Rating: 3/5


R Bar
26th & Peach Street
This dive is like walking the tightrope, corded three feet above a tank filled with pissed off crocodiles, starved sewer rats and broken glass from the trailer park. One false move and your multi-fanged fodder. This place puts the A-N-G-E-R in D-A-N-G-E-R!

This place simply rocks. Regular patrons can often be seen sleeping in the doorway waiting for the gates to open in the morning. There’s a tube of caulk behind the bar (in case something needs fixing) and I’m pretty sure the walls are made of old cardboard boxes. While we were there, some less-than-chilled chick was willingly railed in the restroom by four dudes. The place looked like a murder scene afterwards. There was almost a race war due to a misunderstanding and the back room is enter at your own risk. The monthly meetings of the B.P.S. (Breast Preservation Society) will be held at the R Bar from now on. I would totally date a girl who works here. My Associate tried for a while to get some dude laid, who’s one personality wanted to fight him. If you like to do things for the story, as I do, then this place is the mecca.

Overall Rating: 5/5

8 comments:

  1. Hi and Dry review induced tears and possible urine leakage. Quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. I want to now take the author around the country in search of worlds worst/best dive bar. Completely awesome.

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  2. Interesting review with colorful language. Watch the C word man. Thanks for caring this much about Erie though, a great place with a church and one corner and a dive bar across the street.

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  3. Have you seen Bacardies lately? Its really changed. Not cool to rag on someone's livelihood.

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    Replies
    1. This is meant to be comical. Take a chill pill. Don't defend what you don't protect.

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    2. You love Morrissey

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  4. Shut the fuck up spellman. Erie is a shit hole. Unless u got alot of money u live a sick a fair life. Foh get real

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