The NEW Worst Sound EVER!

For years, it has been common knowledge that the worst sound ever is “the girl noise.” You know what I’m talking about. That sonic, unsexy shrill that 2 or more girls make when they get excited over the most trivial of shit. (like when 3 round-hipped heathens are sitting around eating Dove Bars and their friend “Cathy” shows up unexpectedly to announce that she’s pregnant AGAIN, this time by Seth.)

I would rather hear an entire tray full of LJS planks dropped on the floor than THAT freeking sound. Well, I think I personally have a new, far more despised decibel decimator…
I work with many overweight women…literally TONS. Women who are so obese that their ankles are purple from the pure weight that they must support. They are large, they are mean and they are hungry.

I hear this sound everyday…it’s really the kind of thing that unless you’re tuned into it, you really don’t notice, kind of the tambourine player in Eddie Money’s live band. But now that I’ve zoned into this frequency, it tears me up worse than some tone deaf drunk trying to sing along with Heart on the jukebox.

The worst sound in the worst is simply a spoon scraping the bottle of a yogurt cup. UHHH!!! It’s terrible. These fat bitches can’t let it go. Do they really think that one more tiny eyedrop of yogurt is gonna fill them up? Is completion of absolute devourism necessary to move on? Does the fruit & enzyme snack taste that freekin’ good??? WHAT THE PISS!!!!

I hear this no less than 20 times a day. Some cat-hair covered cunt-rag (who was seriously eating pork chops at her desk at 8:38 am this morning) downed 4 Yoplaits by 11:30 today, ALL the while bragging that each cup is only 110 calories. FAAACCKKK!!! I think it’s something to do with the plastic cups that the yogurt comes in, because those Hunts Pudding Snack Packs don’t resonate nearly as bad as yogurt cups.

I plan on mailing a bomb to the Dannon factory later this week. Their Consumer Response Center is in Allentown, so maybe it’ll get there soon so I can have a scrape-free Monday next week…