Restaurant Review: Applebees (worst food ever)

A while back, some disrespectful ditz gave me a gift card to freekin’ Applebees. I HATE APPLEBEES! Worst food ever. I would rather nibble on a gnome’s nutsack than dine on their putrid plate offerings. Crappy food served poorly. It’s like everything is served with a fresh glaze of warm pee atop of it. Hopefully, there comes a time in every adults life when they come to the clarity that one can either attain “good food” or “alot of food for not alot of money.” If someone has ever taken you on a date to Applebees, they obviously don’t like you at all. It’s like feeding chocolate to a canine. Diarrhea hath no fury like a corporate chain restaurant of ill repute. So one of my regulars and I cleared our schedules and decided on the “2009 Applebees Throw Up Challenge.” I kid you not. Simply stated, we force ourselves to consume crud, then whoever throws up first is the victor. This was one of worst ideas I’ve had in a while…this is gonna be cool!

So I get one foot in the door and am whiplashed with pungent pheromones. The walkways are rampant with obese foodstampers and their unplanned children. Undisciplined youths grow up to be the kind of dirtbags that would dine at Applebees. Seems fitting. The entire restaurant smells like warm body odor.

 I perouse the menu. More pictures than words, for the daily diner of Applebees never finished high school. The entrees look about as inviting as napping in a gunnysack of broken glass, but this was our mission. I order some shitty Fire Pit Bacon Burger (greasily prepared in a frying pan) as my escort ordered the Three Cheese Chicken Penne. There, our fate had been determined, like that first puff of crack.

Our server, who’s last job was probably helping his mom with a yard sale, brought out our appetizer, boneless buffalo wings. Apparently the great Charles Darwin was chasing some native tail when this gelatinous falcon was conceived. Dude, it squeaked when I took a bite. This putrid nugget did NOT belong to any bird of flight. The temperature of the food was as sporadic as the target shooting of a cross-eyed sniper.

Unfortunately, our meals arrived later on. Damnit! The patty of my burger was extensively void of flavor, a clear indication that the beef had been flash frozen for an undetermined amount of time, probably during the filming of the pilot episode of Empty Nest, starring Richard Mulligan and his dog, Dreyfus. The bacon looked like snake circumcision. The french fries were essentially crispy salt sticks, lacking any starch or other spud-like symptoms. I wouldn’t feed this crap to a savage badger. Our meals were good. Not good as in flavor, good as in probability of death.

Her Chicken Penne featured a colorful array of pink, microwaved chicken atop a bowl of overcooked, watery pasta. Apparently, Applebees doesn’t even TRY to to make their entees look appetizing. The consistency of the pasta sauce was similar to rat milk… and it smelled like a musty slipper.

Alright, so the worst meal ever… I’m gonna haveta stop right here. That food was seriously so freekin’ disgusting that I am getting nauseated at the mere memory of this terrible tale. Bottom line, it was sick. I stood outside in front of a big window as dozens of retarded diners watched my vomital attempts. It baffles me that people eat here every day, on purpose. I feel sorry for them… and the rotten animal carcasses that get mutilated only to be served at a crappy restaurant like Applebees.


  1. Review gave me a laugh, with the sad but true food descriptions, however it looks someone liked it judging from the last pic. Somebody is in the clean plate club!

  2. how dare you. applebees is THE GREATEST restaurant of all time. It was almost as good as the 2 and 1/2 year old totinos i found in the fridge when i moved into my new house last year.